‘(Would You Like) Bees On Your Cheese?’

Words by S R Williams and images by Antonio Papaleo

Scout is a little girl who lives in a place called Storyland, which we think is somewhere in the middle of East Anglia. '(Would You Like) Bees On Your Cheese?' is the first in a series of haphazardly arranged escapades starring Scout (the girl), Mr Fandango (the waiter) and a pawful of absurd situations which in this particular case relate to two central concerns of young person's life - the perils of strange food and the excellent gruesomeness of insects. 

"Good afternoon Scout. Would you like lice on your rice?"

"No Sir, I would not like lice on my rice,

That wouldn't be fun and it wouldn't taste nice,

It's bad enough when they sleep in your hair.

But egg-fried lice? That's just not fair!"

"Would you like a fly on your pie?"

"A fly on my pie? Oh me, oh my!

Frankly Sir, I'd rather die,

Apple or mincey, meaty or lean,

This is one crusty crust I'd like to keep clean!"

"Would you like a caterpillar as your sandwich filler?"

"Mr.Fandango, Listen to your head!

Are you putting creepy crawlies in my bread?

Even with egg and cress that's going to be tickly,

And too many caterpillars is too, too sickly!"

"Would you like fleas on your peas??"

"No I would not, and that's a fact!

This is one dining offer I'd like you to retract,

Fleas on peas would leave me vexed-

I presume bees on cheese is coming next!"

"Would you like bees on your cheese??!"

"Oh mercy me, I saw that one coming!

I heard them too, with all that humming.

This is all too much smellow yellow for me,

Although I do like the sound of 'Bumble brie'..."

"Would you like a snail in your ale???!"

"Heavens to Betsy, I'm only a child!!

I'm not allowed ale, no matter how mild!

Please Sir, a snail in my ale will just not do -

And a bug in my jug is taboo, too!"

"Would you like maggots on your faggots???!?"

"Maggots and faggots? Are you having a laugh??

All that wriggling will make me barf!!

Sir oh Sir, this creepy menu is making me doubt,

That you have any meals with the ticks taken out!!"

"Would you like some beetles on your meatballs???!!"

"Would I like what what on my wibble??

Sir I sense you are starting to dribble!!

This is no 'Daily Special', it's a punning crime,

Why, "Beetles and meatballs" don't even rhyme!!!"

"Would you like nits on your grits?!??!!"

"Would I like my grits sprinkled with nits???

Really, this tea room is quite the pits!!!

I'm telling you now, there's something fishey

About all these dishes being so...un-dishy!!!!"

"So before you bring another plate,

Mister Fandango, let me reiterate:

I do not want lice on my rice,

And I will send it back twice (if not thrice).

I do not desire fleas on my peas,

Or have a taste for bees on my cheese (even in threes),

Caterpillars crawling into my butty,

Would make me itch and go 'Tut-tut-tutty'.

A snail in my ale would make me turn pale,

And nits and grits are right off the scale.

The maggots and faggots can stay in the can,

And beetles and meatballs? They don't even scan!

Frankly Sir, your gaff is a sham -

I'm leaving this story, so I am, I am, I am!"

Scout's first book 'The kite who was scared of heights'

"A great story about overcoming your fears" Coldplay's Chris Martin.

Out NOW on fierce panda books...

Buy it on Amazon.

US:http://www.amazon.com/The-Kite-Who-Scared-Heights/dp/1910053368/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406538549&sr=8-1&keywords=The+kite+who+was+scared+of+heights

or

UK:http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Kite-Who-Scared-Heights/dp/1910053368/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top